


He Was The Only One

by noirsparker



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: ftm character, post winter soldier, pre civil war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-21 17:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noirsparker/pseuds/noirsparker
Summary: Waking up to find out that everyone you loved is dead is hard. Waking up with the memory that you couldn't save your best friend, the only person who knew your biggest secret, is harder. Steve built a defensive was to shield himself, But Bucky is alive, only he doesn't remember Steve. Steve's walls have crumbled. But maybe he doesn't need to rebuild. Maybe he can start again, without a wall.





	1. One of Them.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a realllllly bad drabble i wrote while sleep deprived, dysphoric and in my feelings. It's Not Good. Sorry.

He stared at the ground, the agonising thoughts filling his head, making it hard to breathe, hard to concentrate. There was so many. They never went away. 

Steve was almost 100 years old now. It had been 85 since he had realised his secret. 80 since he'd told Bucky, the tears streaming from his face and into his shirt. It wasn't accepted back then. Not by most people. Steve knew that by telling someone he risked his freedom, and maybe his life. But James had pulled him into a strong hug, muttering about how proud he was of Steve for admitting it. How he knew it must have been hard to say. Steve cried harder, clinging to his friend. 

Bucky's anger when he discovered Steve's persistent attempts to join the army had been understandable. He was weak, after all. Steve knew they came from a place of care. But he could not shake the feeling of a subtext in the words the Sergeant said. They ripped into him like claws, and he knew why. 

He struggled at first in the army, far lacking in the strength and agility the other men had. Being ridiculed by his colleagues hurt the young man, but he persisted. He wanted to fight. That was why he was there. 

The serum changed Steve. A lot. He was no longer weak, nor short. His body had grown, muscles now visible in places he didn't even know had muscles. He was ecstatic. He didn't show it, he was a soldier. But he could have screamed in delight for hours. 

As the young man hurtled toward his death, willing to die to save the planet he loved so well, he thought back on his choices. He knew he had made the right ones. He knew he had lived as well as he could have. He was glad for the realisation, grateful he decided to do something about it. 

Waking up, in a strange place, a strange time, is disorienting. Of course, it would be for anybody. But it was even moreso for Steve, who woke up believing it was all a dream. That he'd never become Captain America. He near cried when he came to his senses and discovered it wasn't. But he knew he shouldn't have been there. His defences went back up. 

They never went down. Not really. Not until he saw him. Not until he saw the only person who knew his secret. James Buchanan Barnes. He'd watched him die. Watched his best friend fall to his death. Yet here he was. And he didn't even recognise him. It agonised him. 

A hand clapped on his shoulder.  
"We're gonna get him back Steve. Whatever they did to him, we'll find a way. I know how much he means to you" The soldier looked up at Sam, eyes red.  
"Thats... that's not why I'm crying. I do miss him though. He.... he was the only one I could talk to about this." He walked across the room, staring at his reflection in the window. It was something he still wasn't used to. Looking like this. He had always dreamed of it, for most of his life. Why did the thoughts linger, when the cause had been gone for so long? Why did he still feel the disconnect? Maybe it wasn't linked to that at all. Maybe it was linked to the circumstances of his appearance, to what he had lost due to the serum. He didn't know. He just wanted it to stop.  
"About what, Steve?" his voice was rife with concern.  
"About....damn it Sam. I wasn't born... there's a word for it now I think... other than pervert or criminal that is." Sam was confused, obviously. What could be causing Steve this much pain?  
"Transgender, Sam. I'm transgender" Steve was still thinking like he was back in the 40s, ready for Sam to scream and judge and curse him.  
But Sam just smiled, and pulled Steve into a hug.  
"I'm proud of you for telling me that Steve. That must have been hard. I'm so glad you trust me." 

Steve had heard those exact same words from another man, 80 years ago. It made him realise that maybe things would be alright. Even if he didn't get Bucky back. As long as he didn't lose Sam.


	2. Neither of Them.

He stared at the ground. He'd been here before. This time the ground was scattered with something. Ash? Dust? He couldn't be sure. The tears streamed down his face. How could this have happened?

It had only been two years since he'd gotten him back. Since Bucky has become his again. Sure, he'd been in Wakanda for most of that, but Steve had been able to visit him. Now... Now he'd never see him again. 

It took him several hours to realise he hadn't moved. He could no longer form tears, but the pain and need to cry were still present. He stumbled, limbs heavy with exhaustion, to where the others had gathered. He couldn't find it in him to listen to what they were saying, and nobody seemed to mind, all of them just as distracted by their losses. 

How had they lost? How had they failed to beat him? Steve knew they would need to fight again, need to find a way to get them back. But how could he think about that now? He couldn't.

The journey back to New York seemed to take no time at all, but simultaneously all the time in the world. He couldn't stop reliving it. He didn't know why it hurt so much. He had lost Bucky before, but this hurt more somehow. Was it that he had lost Sam too? He felt alone. He felt hopeless. 

It took them weeks to find him. Anyone else would have died, but Steve's liver regenerated before the copious amounts of liquor could do any damage. He knew he couldn't get drunk. He didn't care. He needed something. 

It wasn't till he heard the words that he realised why he hurt so much.   
"I know you lost your boyfriends, but we'll never get them back if you don't help us fight him." He had never considered it before. Being transgender was bad enough, right? Surely.... Surely he wasn't gay too. But the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. The more he considered that his love for both Bucky and Sam hadn't been friendly at all, the more his heart ached. It was a conclusion he wished he'd never come to. 

He hadn't just lost the only two people he unconditionally trusted. He'd lost the only two men he'd ever loved. He had been sure he'd be fine without Bucky, as long as he had Sam. But now they'd both been ripped away from him. That broke Steve more than anything else could.


End file.
